D.T.S. - DOG TURD SANDWICH

      There was a period of time where my lunch was being stolen out of my locker every day. It was 7th grade, and I had been assigned a locker that came with a pre-installed lock. That means every year a new student would be assigned to the locker and get the same combination handed out to them. So there could have been up to 5 other students in school who had used that locker in the years before me, and knew the combination. And thats how it began. Every morning i would put my bagged lunch into my locker, and every lunch period i would rush back, mouth watering. I’d open my locker and find only my books. No lunch.

      I was starving. You would think after a week I would just not put my lunch in there and keep it with me all day. But I was slow and didn’t pick up or react to the pattern. I thought maybe I was not closing my locker all the way and I would be really diligent aftwards to make sure it clicked and couldn’t be pulled open.

      It continued to happen and I grew fed up. Tired of having my privacy violated and being hungry, I went home and told my mom what was happening. We quickly devised a plan. My mom had made spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner that day. The leftover sauce looked very much like sloppy joe meat. One very special sloppy joe coming up! We added all kinds of random ingredients that would make the culprit regret it instantly: Chili powder, pepper, hot sauce. We made a second, tastier lunch for myself that I would keep out of the locker that day. The first sandwich would taste terrible, but was that enough?

      And then it came to me: ultimate revenge. I ran outside and looked around in the dark for the first dog turd I could find. Dogs were common in our set of townhouse apartment buildings, their owners just letting them 'go' right in the backyard where the kids played. You just learned to avoid stepping on them while you played tag or hide and seek. I brought the old dried turd back to the kitchen and my mom helped me add the finishing touch. She buried it completely in the sauce and topped it off with a slice of cheddar cheese, for added realism. Finally, the bun completed this shit masterpiece.

      We then lovingly wrapped the sandwich, and slid it into a ziplock bag with a handful of chips to really sell it. I went to sleep that night really satisfied with myself and my plans to take back control.

      Next morning, I strode into school with a smile on my face, and a dog turd sandwich in my backpack. I stuffed it in my locker like everything was normal. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. How many bites will they swallow before they find the meaty turd floating around in their mouth? Will they do something to let me know they resented my actions? Yes, they will probably kick my ass. Perhaps this wasn't a good idea?
    
      Too late, I was ready!

      I went to my locker at lunch time and opened the door. There sat the untouched bag. I knew right away they hadn’t even tried it because the wrapping was completely intact. Unmoved and unopened, the bag was a sign that the thief chose that day to stop stealing. It was the day they grew a conscience or just maybe decided my lunches weren’t tasty enough. 

      After coming up with such a great plan, I would not ever get my revenge. And even worse, I had to carry this dog turd sandwich with me from my locker to dispose of it. I ended up leaving it there for days hoping they would eventually go for it. They never did. After it started to smell, I gave up and threw it out.

Artist's rendering.  Not the actual sandwich.